I will have a bias off the bat going into this critique. So let me address those points first before I start talking about the film.

Firstly, Daniel Craig, in my opinion, is one of cinema’s most magnetic lead actors in the business today. Starting with Yellow Cake, Casion Royale, and Quantum of Solace along with his supporting in Munich and the Jacket, made me sold on him.

I just wish he would avoid shit scripts like the Invasion or *sigh Cowboys and Aliens. What the fuck were you thinking Daniel? I know 3 million dollars is a lot, but good God, would you suck a herpes infected dick for 3 million because that’s what you did when you decided to do Cowboys and Aliens. You sucked a herpes ridden inflamed cock. But I digress, I think he’s a charismatic yet stoic force on screen and with a solid script he’s unbeatable. Most people don’t realize how many actors he beat out for the role of Mikael Blomqvist, one of which was George Clooney.

(Side note, fuck you George Clooney.)

My second bias is with the director. David Fincher, director of my favorite film of all time Fight Club, is a master craftsman and auteur. His sickly tinted cinematography and grotesque subject matter makes him like heroin. If you doubt his commitment to films about the physically twisted and personally antisocial, watch Alien, Fight Club, Seven, the Game, Social Network, and the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Only a director so intimately familiar with sociopaths and monsters could make a film about Mark Zuckerberg.

So when you combine one the best directors with one of the best actors with an already established fucked up book to base the movie on, you go into the movie with a bias, expecting the best. And guess what? I got the best.

This movie was insane, with mentionable performances by Stellan Skarsgard (The Hunt for Red October and father of ERIC NORTHMAN from true blood) and up and coming billionaire rich bitch turned Hollywood Rooney Mara. And how can I forget Christopher Plummer as Henrik? I know Max Von Sydow will go to his grave steaming he was passed over for the role but that’s a whole other discussion.

Now the movie, I think I can just sum up how much I loved it by talking about one of the last scenes when Daniel Craig is chained up from the ceiling in Stellan’s basement with Enya playing in the background.

That room was fucking ridiculous. A friend of mine was laughing so hard as was I but I didn’t realize why until we talked about it after. The basement firstly was covered in mortuary tiles with a sound proofed ceiling. It also had a huge variety of “garden tools” on the walls and a human sized cage on the floor. And the “sprinkler system” shot out chloroform gas to stun his victims. 

You mean to tell me no one raised an eyebrow or two when he had that place fucking built? Did he ask the contractor, “Yea so I need the sprinklers to shoot out gas. Also do you know where I can get gas to put a whole room of people to sleep?”

Now the reason my friend was rioting in laughter was over the giant garden hose Stellan has installed in that basement for “clean up”. How?! Did you pay someone to put that there without arousing suspicion? Leave it to Fincher to come up with the best serial killer layer I’ve ever seen. 

For a change, I will write a positive and sincere review. Drive was a perfect film. I would not change a thing about it.

Ryan Gosling gave a stellar performance, even with only 20 spoken words, but lets be frank, he acts with his eyes and eight pack and we love it.

The best part of the movie was when he caved that fucking guy’s face in the elevator, I think he was dead after 3 stomps but just to make sure Ryan had to give him 14 more.

Cudos to director Nicolas Winding Refn, that crazy danish fuck, certainly left in his signature no holds bar blood drenched brutality. I was just upset I was the only one laughing in the theater.

BAM BAM BAM hit him with the hammer Ryan!!

Score: See it or rot in hell

Just like September 11th, we must never forget what happened with Baby Mama staring Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, but Bridesmaids was almost as bad. It was an excruciating 2.5 hours of awkward moments.

Why was it that long? Let’s ask washed up fat bearded slob director Judd Apatow who FUCKING SUCKS AT MAKING FILMS. This douche bag peaked with 2 good films followed by hundreds of mediocre 3 hour sitcoms. I liked 40 year old virgin, back in 2005! The man has made almost NOTHING good since, did you guys watch, funny people? 

Point 2:

“Why are women, who have the whole male world at their mercy, not funny?” - Christopher Hitchens, Vanity Fair January, 2007

Indeed why are women NOT funny? This is the last time I will ever watch a movie staring women trying to be funny. I had hopes that these actresses would play to their strengths and prove “The Theory” wrong. They didn’t, and yes Women are STILL NOT FUNNY. The best part of this movie was when the Fat bitch shit in a sink. 

Rating? I want my 9 dollars and my dignity returned.

Ok, sigh, why on rotten tomatoes this movie has a 79% rating I don’t fucking understand. Now I’m not saying this movie was a laughable piece of CGI shit like all of Marvel’s other forays in bringing comics alive, BUT this movie also wasn’t AFI top 100 quality either.

(Notice I didn’t say Oscar worthy, film has no gold standard anymore to judge it by.)

Chris Hemsworth wasn’t BAD either, though I think a darker Alex Skarsgard would have done the title role more justice, but hey, its Marvel, must we all forget how “dark” spiderman 3 was?

(another aside, fuck you tobey maguire.)

Also, can some1 explain to me how “Thor” is a god from Norse mythology, but can also be an 20 something year old alien prince?

Nathalie Portman, was retarded, i mean Stars Wars episode III bad, please just stick to movies where Mila Kunis can have a go at your pussy some more.

Judge’s Verdict?

Thank god i didn’t pay for it. If your bratty kid bugs you, then see it but take 3 advil before.

emurphy: love the dress, and of course it’s scarlett (:

<3

A guy stuck under a rock, cuts his own fucking arm off in graphic detail. enough said. Thank you James Franco for another masterpiece.

When they call you for the oscar are they going to wow the audience with your on screen amputation, god I hope so.

win?

I especially love the pitch, “Catch Me If You Can meets Brokeback Mountain.”

I would go with Ace Ventura gets it on with Obi Wan in OZ, (NOT the wizard one, but you know, the prison one? With all the rape, crime, and drama?)

did I mention the gay thing? ;)

Summary: FABULOUSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Clooney dies, spoilier alert.

Now that we established spoilers let us progress,

In X-Men, director bryan singer asked audiences as a sort of joke to count how many X’s they saw in the movie.

In the American, I fucking dare you to count how many times they say, “the American.”

I’m not sure what happened, plot wise so please don’t ask.

Final rating? “il film, è così così…”

Stallone, thank you once again for proving the script was written by and for a caveman.

This movie makes Jason Statham’s other works like Death Race and Transporter 3 look academy award worthy.

Who the fuck did they hire to do the special effects? Rocky did you use a red sharpie over the cut?

Consensus: Expendable

Meissen, Germany (;